Tag Archives: NO

McDonald’s Bacon Habanero Quarter Pounder

4 Oct

MCD QPI have an obsession with spicy food that digestive tract does not share. When I hear there is a habanero flavored ranch I will come running. Though it took me a while I finally got around to trying one of McDonald’s new quarter pound options. To keep things short and sweet, the bun was crap. The toppings though great seemed to only highlight the mcdonald’s burger patty. It was as if they tried to make a real restaurant burger with mcds ingredients. The sauce was spicy and smokey and I would love it on a regular burger. I wouldn’t buy one again, but I would request that sauce on the side with a normal burger. I’m going with a NO on this one.

Bonefish Grill

18 Jul

 Rating: 1 Clusterfuck

I had been wanting to try this place when I was given a gift card to it. Sweet, I thought, I love seafood and I think that’s what this place does. Awesome. I found out online that they have some sort of happy hour specials Sunday through Thursday where select appetizers and cocktails are $5-6 and thought, hey even better! Oh what happy, innocent times those were.

The first thing I hated about this place was the weird vinyl tablecloths topped with brown butcher paper. I mean I get it if you’re a legit seafood place that throws boiled crabs on the table, or if you’re an upscale place doing it ironically. But from where I was sitting (in this shitty place) their menu is a schizo mix of asian and seafood dishes. But not fusion. Just like the owners are a bi-racial couple that spent months pissing each other off and destroying their marriage only to say fuck it and just jam all their shitty ideas onto one menu. On top of this weird butcher paper there was a flickering fake candle (why bother?) and two retail salt and pepper grinders. Save whatever money you’re spending on the fucking butcher paper and just buy some decorative grinders. Or at least something without the brand name on it.

My first impression based on just the table had me annoyed, but then the waitress showed up….. in a fucking chef’s coat. You read that correctly. I would give up booze for like 5 whole hours just to watch what Gordon Ramsay would have to say about that. I mean what know-nothing fuck thinks it’s a great or even passable idea to give a jacket denoting a life dedicated to the culinary arts and a certain position in the kitchen to the fucking dish jockeys?! It’s insulting. I know they aren’t chefs and if I were a chef I would be pissed to see that trivialized. What’s the point? I went from confusion, to disbelief, to annoyed all in the span of 10 minutes. But I was there to eat and review so for your sake (that’s right, fuckin’ you) I continued with this charade of a restaurant.

Bang bang Shrimp I ordered the Bang Bang Shrimp, ceviche, and their blackberry twist cocktail to start with. Everything arrived and long story short, was genuinely mediocre. The bang bang shrimp ($8.9) were okay, but missing some of the flavors which I associate with this dish. There was no sweetness from the mayo, or acidity from a vinegar, it was just kinda, sorta spicy and the breading was soggy from the sauce instead of crunchy and amazing. They would normally charge $9 for this one-note joke of an app. I was barely okay with it being $5, especially when Okami has a vastly superior version right down the road for $7.50.

CevicheThe ceviche ($7.9) was just kinda limey, one note, and in no way special, interesting or worth anywhere near that they charge. For insanely cheaper (under $4) and more delicious ceviche try Taqueria la Tapatia, also down the road. Even the seafood didn’t really pop but just blended into the sad background of lime juice. And look at those sad 7 chips they gave us. The avocado was good, but seeing as the chef or waiters or whoever fucking cooks the food didn’t grow them that’s through no fault of their own.

The drink ($5). Oh the fucking drink. It was advertised as rum, coconut water, blackberries, sage, and lemon. That’s like 12 of my favorite things all in a row! No way to screw that up. Sounds like a crisp and refreshing cocktail with a hint of herbaceousness and a tart blackberry twist! Wrooooooong. Try an overly sweet sangria rip off. The best part about the drink were the 3 blackberries they threw in as a garnish. Do you know how hard it is for me to actively dislike a drink? I’ll give you a hint… they put fucking booze in them. Why not just write “Shitty Sangria Ripoff” on the menu? Then I won’t order it and be pissed off that it is not delicious. I even like sangria for christ sake. But if I order a steak don’t send me a fried banana.

Blackberry Twist

To round the whole thing off and finish off the gift card to assure no chance of a repeat lapse in judgement, I ordered their Thai Coconut Shrimp ($8.9). It was promised on the menu to be some sort of asiany coconut shrimp which I was ok with. When it came out I was shocked to discover it was actually a decent starter. Six jumbo shrimp breaded in coconut served with a sweet and spicy chili sauce and a hint of ginger. Between the chili sauce and the coconut breading the dish was very sweet, enough for me to joke that it was kind of our meal’s dessert. Honestly, I think this would be a really cute cheeky idea for a dessert menu. It was good if only for the fact that it had more that one thing happening. And the actual dish it was served on, which I believe I’ve lusted over at Target before.

Thai Coconut Shrimp

Bonefish Grill completely disappointed with 2 out 3 dishes; 3 our of 4 items. The food lacked any dimension and was shockingly mediocre for the prices they charge. I don’t want to write this off as “another chain restaurant” because most chains, while suffering from a watering down of their menu, have at least a couple stand out items that are sure to please. In fact, there are a few chains I visit a couple times per year for those kinds of guilty pleasures (Olive Garden Zuppa Toscana and breadsticks with peach bellini tea I’m looking at you). This went beyond just being boring chain food – it was insulting.

I went with a gift card on a day when the starters were on special and thought I overpaid. These appetizers would normally be $8-$9 and that is unacceptable for something so uninteresting especially taking into account that the two most disappointing have much cheaper and far superior alternatives less than 10 minutes down the road. The restaurant hovers in a weird place between asian and american that is less fusion and more chaos. The servers in chef coats only add to that perception. This place is an overpriced trap selling asian dishes to people who don’t like asian food… or maybe any food. Take my advice, and try Taqueria la Tapatia for ceviche, Okami Japanese Steakhouse for “Bang Bang Shrimp” (aka Hot Shrimp), or Indochine for coconut shrimp/any thai dish. Friends don’t let friends eat at Bonefish Grill.

Bonefish Grill on Urbanspoon

Harris Teeter Submarine Sangweichez

7 Apr

Listen, y’all, this is about to get real. Harris Teeter is goin’ real crazy. They expandin’, they doin’ real weird stuff. Some of them now got a dang pizza bar … Whaaa? But no for real it’s true. Most Teets have a little sandwich station next to their little sushi station, too.

Let’s not get to the point for a minute and talk about Harris Teeter sushi. I make and eat sushi on the reg and for the life of me I don’t know how they mess theirs up so hard. It tastes like they use friggin bleach instead of rice vinegar to make their sushi rice. Beyond that I guess I don’t have many complaints. Then again, I’m no sushi expert, and let’s be honest with eachother for a second: the bulk of sushi is rice, so it’s kind of important.

Okay, this dumb donkey (me) is talking about sushi when the review is about a sub. Why is that? Django unchained, god bless you for asking: The sushi guy made my sub today. He was forced to because his manager sucks and he tried to be a good employee. After I waited 5 minutes for a regular sub guy, his lazy manager forced him to try to help me. Let’s go back a further iteration because I’m super sure you’re not sick of me yet.

My dad buys Harris Teeter subs all the time; he has for many years. He buys them all over North Carolina, he is a busy bee. They’re tasty, fresh, convenient, cheap, and occasionally worthwhile. The problem, as you might imagine, is the ‘occasionally’ part. Let me digress again and say that I’m a 30-year-old guy who is about to complain about his father’s food-store sandwiches. Sheesh. I’m glad I got that off my chest.

My dad, in his travels, noticed that sometimes he would get next-to-no meat and cheese on his sub. Sometimes it would be okay, but rarely. Usually it would be a mockery of the sandwich-making industry. Being the gentleman and scholar that he is, he did not complain directly but he did inquire to corporate regarding what their standards are, exactly.

You probably know where this is heading. The ‘artist’ making your sub has no friggin clue what. the. heck. they. are. doing. or. why. they. are. doing. it. and. you. better. just. shut. up.

After emailing corporate he was informed that every full sub was supposed to incorporate 6.0 ounces of meat and 2.0 ounces of cheese.


If you are lucky, the sub pictured above is what you, in fact, get. This was after me getting frustrated and asking the sushi guy for “a lot more than” 3 slices of ham. So I got 8. On a foot-long sub. No, I’m not sure what 8 thinly-sliced bits of ham weigh, but this did not account for 6 ounces. The veggies were indeed piled on, which is great. Wait, did I mention that the sandwich artist initially only places 3 slices of ham on my foot-long sub? And then I demanded “a lot more”?

Yes, he was a sushi dude and could barely speak English, but I’ve gotten so many subs from Harris Teeter, and the above is what they all generally look like. Unless you are my dad and you keep demanding they pile more on until they refuse and then you pull out your 2-year-old printout of an email conversation with corporate and force them to give you the corporate-specified 6 ounces of meat and 2 ounces of cheese.

So, keep going to Harris Teeter for your slow-service subs made by sushi chefs. Or you could go across the street to A Taste of Italy if you’re near midtown and get whatever you want for a dollar or two more:


Boars Head or better, sliced as thin as you want, weighed consistently and at least twice as many meals-worth as Harris Teeter. The More You Know.

Or Chops if you’re downtown:

chopsIn conclusion, I beg Harris Teeter to start weighing out their sandwiches. Or, as I just imagined, flip the whole thing around and let me make my own sub. Let me weigh it and put the sticker on. Just don’t force me to deal with your uninformed employees, for the love of God. Actually, maybe just instruct them on corporate policy instead of expecting your customers to enforce it and appear as though they are jerks, when they are, in fact, not.

2013-04-07_17-08-47_618Oh, here’s an honest cross-section comparison. Yes, this was made by a sushi chef. However, this is exactly what I have come to expect from your average Harris Teeter ‘sandwich artist’. Disagree with me if you wish, but always demand your six ounces of dirt meat. YOU DEMAND IT! OR I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL END YOU.

McDonalds Spicy Chicken McBites

29 Aug

I immediately regretted buying these Spicy Chicken McBites, just like when I bought the non-spicy version in February. It’s kind of a theme with me and the acquisition of McDonalds. I actually do kind of like their $1 breakfast burritos though, in a way. I used to buy one of those and a large black coffee some mornings and I didn’t feel too bad about myself. Well, it felt kind of fishy asking an entirely black staff for black coffee, but only the first time; after that I sort of got a kick out of it because I’m a child.

The Spicy Chicken McBites are basically identical to the non-spicy version except these have a small amount of spiciness. I know, this is a real shocker. Someone call up Fox News. The ‘spicy’ bites are just as dry and overly-breaded and terrible as the originals. At first the chunks didnt seem too small and crummy but even the larger pieces still had way too much terrible breading in relation to the overcooked, terrible chicken.

A cross-section of the largest piece in the box

The upside is that all of this trash didn’t cost me anything because I had a coupon. The downside is literally everything else.

BRB suicide.

Doritos Locos Taco Supreme

13 Mar

Rating: 1 Cool Ranch Dorito Shell

I hate Taco Bell. I never go. Even drunkenly stumbling into a car with my friends screaming, “French toast,”* I’m never in the mood for Taco Bell. Now that we’re clear, I will say I was excited about the new Dorito shelled taco. I went to Taco Bell the day it was unleashed upon the world and here are my thoughts …

The picture looks waaaaay better than this did in person and the shell wasn’t nearly as Dorito-y as I had hoped. The beef was cheap, the cheese sparse and unmelted. Really, it was silly of me to expect the Dorito shell to work some crazy voodoo magic and make Taco Bell exciting and edible. I got the supreme version because it had sour cream. Honestly, this review is boring me just writing it. This is a Taco Bell taco with some Dorito seasoning sprinkled on the shell. No more, no less. I did find that I loved the Salsa Verde sauce packets and stole a handful or two of them … so there’s that. All in all a disappointing development in Taco Bell history, though at least a step in the right direction. I’m rating it 1 Cool Ranch Dorito Shell, because get that shit, then come back and see me.

*Note: Liquor is writing juice, not driving juice. Never drink and drive.
Taco Bell on Urbanspoon

McAlister’s Deli

7 Mar

Rating: 1 O’Douls Blackout

I live pretty close to McAlister’s Deli and haven’t ever had the urge to go. That’s why things like the Frank card are dangerous. They make you seek out new places in order to get your money’s worth. I figured that this place being packed a majority of the time was a good sign, and headed there for lunch. McAlister’s looks way bigger on the outside than any “deli” has a right to.

First off, fuck this place for calling itself a deli. As far as I’m concerned, delis are places that sell cold cuts and other products (including pasta salads and olives), mostly by weight. This chain store of subs and soups is not a deli. That didn’t bother me too much while I was there, but after the fact it annoyed the fuck out of me. I’ve always seen people walk into local delis and act shocked and offended there is no pizza or some other bizarro item. Does it say delicatessen AND pizzeria? I think a lot southerners don’t know what a deli is because of asshole places like this running around calling themselves  ‘deli.’ Oh, a coffee shop with bagels? DELI! Place with subs? DELI! Yes, most delis will serve you food items like subs, but that’s mainly because they already have all the ingredients. Point being, this place isn’t a fucking deli and delis don’t have to sell pizza, espresso, or whatever bullshit item you associate with your idea of Italian. The more you fucking know.

So you walk into this big building and order at the counter. Right on. I’m a fan of places that allow you to order, they bring you your food later on, and then your server disappears. I order the club, a tea, and the country potato soup. And a muthafuckin chocolate chip cookie because the best part of being an adult is ordering and eating diabetes-bombs whenever you want to. Sometimes I wave a handful of candy bars at kids in nearby lines at the grocery store. Haha, I work 40 hours a week and I can spend every last dime on candy and cookies! Enjoy your naptime and diapers, biiitch. I also make faces at kids behind their parents backs, but that’s beside the point. What was the point? I love cookies. My roommate ordered the reuben and potato salad. We took our number and sat outside. Outside seating is pretty cool too.

I tried the tea and to my surprise it wasn’t very sweet. But it wasn’t very strong, either. Kind of bland for tea. The chocolate cookie was chewy on the inside, crisp on the outside and full of chips. A little flat but worth the buck it cost. After a brief wait the food arrived. My club was basically two quarters of a normal club, which with the soup was  a decent deal at $6.49. The wheat bread was a little dry, the meat was ok but there was very little on the sandwich and it was too thickly sliced for my taste. The mayo was almost non-existent; I wish I had known to ask for extra. All in all it was a mediocre sandwich. The bacon was barely noticeable. The soup was basically a creamy potato soup with some bacon, cheese, and green onions on top. Nothing super, and once the toppings were gone (about 3 spoons in) it was just meh. Boring.

The roomie’s potato salad was tried first, and it was good. Your typical southern potato salad with relish. The reuben was good. Not like “WOW this is good!” but “They didn’t fuck up … it’s good.” His comment was that reubens aren’t tough to make, but a lot of places still fuck them up. So kudos to McAlister’s on on not fucking up.

My overall impression was one of mediocrity. My sandwich wasn’t bad, it was just dry and not that good. Granted, more mayo would have helped, but it wouldn’t have resolved the larger issue. It needed more turkey and ham (thinly sliced) and more bacon, at least. The soup was ok, but nothing I would crave again. Not even the tea was really good or bad.

Simply put, at the end of the day, I would probably never come back here. Not because it was bad, but because it just wasn’t really good. If I’m looking for cheap I’ve got Cook-Out right across the street, and PT’s close by. If I’m looking for subs I have A Taste of Italy, Long Island Eatery and Harris Teeter‘s deli, all less than half a mile away. And if I want to go a bit further, I have Jimmy Johns, Jersey Mikes, and others. Some of which are a better quality, and all of which are better overall. I just can’t understand the draw of this place. It even commits the mortal sin of not serving booze. It basically gave me soap opera-grade amnesia, in which I will have no side-effects other than trying desperately to forget the fuck out of eating here. It’s like a blackout without the drinking. Hence the rating of one O’Douls Blackout.
McAlister's Deli on Urbanspoon