Tag Archives: fries

Fast Food February – Burger King Satisfries

18 Feb

Burger King’s value menu used to hold one of my all time favorite fast food burgers – the Whopper Junior. The Whopper Junior still exists, but at a higher price than the $1 it used to cost. I used to get that shit so much the cooks knew me by sight and offered to make me one before the lunch switchover on my birthday one year. Add in a value Icee and for $2 and you’re on your way to a lifetime of having an x in front of your size. I’ve basically stopped going to my local BK now aside from reviews for this blog, but they are also the closest fast food joint to me so they get the honor of being the first of a couple Fast Food February posts.

Note: I ate half of these on the ride home

Note: I ate half of these on the ride home

Ever since the Satisfries came out I have been meaning to try them. They promise 40% less fat and 30% less calories. The value size that I purchased has 190 calories per 89g. Compare this to the value menu versions of McDonald’s (230cal/71g), Wendy’s (220cal/77g), and Sonic (280cal/88g). I suspected the larger fries simply meant you got less fries overall but as you can see it’s a very generous portion size for a value fry and it’s calorie count is well below others with smaller portion sizes. But how do these things taste? I have to say, not awful. The outside was a little less than a freshly fried normal fry but not soggy or off putting either. The inside was soft and fluffy and everything you hope for in a fry. I tasted a weird metallic taste that I generally associate with old oil so I will hope that is a fault of my location and not the fry itself. Once dipped in ketchup it wasn’t noticeable.  These weren’t the best fries I’ve ever tried but they also weren’t even close to the worst. I would get these over other fries, or at the very least eat 30% more without guilt. Kudos on the Satisfries BK.

GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY (Hardees … again)

22 Jun


I had eaten a wrap and a lot of fries at this point. Sue me, there were a lot of people around and I feel like a fucking idiot taking a picture of my food (rightly so).

Lord LiquorLunch does two BK reviews and I’m doing my second Hardees review? Sign of the times, I guess. Of those two establishments, I have to give Hardees the nod if only for their buffalo chicken tenders. That single menu item almost made me believe in God until I realized how dumb of a conclusion that was to jump to. Full disclosure: I have a freakish-bordering-on-fetish love of Frank’s Hot Sauce.

As much as I like Hardees buffalo chicken tenders, the two times I tried their regular tenders, I hated the crap out of them. They were dry, tasteless, and the breading just sloughed off and made me hate myself even more than I normally do when I’m eating Hardees cuisine.

Therefore when I redeemed my $2.99 coupon for a small combo of two chicken tender wraps, small fry and small drink, I was expecting to despise the wraps. Well, the whole meal actually because I don’t generally like Hardees fries. However, this shit was really good and a friggin steal at $3.20 after tax. Even better, the cashier mucked up my order and marked it as to-go instead of eat-in even though I told her twice. Better, you ask? Well, she gave me some free apple pie thing as an apology, ya see.

Das Wrapenator

The chicken was well-cooked and well-breaded, very tasty. Ranch. Enough said there; ranch is almost always good. The cheese was good and the lettuce served its purpose (whatever that might be). The tortilla was inoffensive. Overall, I really liked these wraps.


I usually hate Hardees fries but these were pretty good. Reminded me of a cross between Wendy’s new fries and McDonalds fries. Yet worse than both. They were still pretty good, though.


I didn’t order this so I assume the cashier felt bad about making me sit around for a very long time because she forgot my order was eat-in. It was a pretty shitty ‘dessert.’ I don’t know what they charge for these things but I think you can get them at gas stations for fifty cents or less. Actually this was definitely worse than the ones at the gas station. It wasn’t bad or anything but it was just fairly dumb. If you’re gonna copy McDonalds (why, Jesus, why?), don’t make your version way, way worse and not even hot to boot. That’s dumb!


For $2.99, this meal was worth the public shame of taking a coupon out of my wallet and using it. Now to the heart of the matter: I want everything in a fucking flour tortilla. I love flour tortillas. You could dump out a diaper of baby poop into a tortilla, roll it up, and I’d pay you good money to ingest it. Am I forsaking the Earl of Sandwich? No, of course not. But sometimes you don’t want a lot of dumb bread everywhere. Bread is so dumb.

Also I must mention that Hardees is the absolute worst about mixing up to-go and eat-in. What’s worse is that some (all?) Hardees give out plastic number cards for eat-in, so they can pretend to be a semi-full service restaurant. At least at other fast food places, you are gonna be mulling around the counter regardless when your number is called.

At Hardees you just sit at a table in the back like some dumb fucking asshole in the waiting room of his doctor’s office having arrived a day early: I hope you have a smart phone to goof off on or a booth concealed enough to jerk off in because otherwise you are not gonna have a good time sitting around waiting for the world to end.

Final Thoughts For Real

I must patent an interrupt device that makes the consumer punch in eat-in or to-go. Actually I guess soon enough the whole ordering process is gonna be through a user-input touch screen. Like they had at the White Castle I went to in Manhattan some months back. Which still fucked my order up, by the way.

Winnie’s Tavern

18 Apr

Rating: Eat this shit

I used to drive by Winnie’s Tavern pretty much every fucking day, but I never went there. As much as I love dive bars, until somewhat recently (past couple years), this weird, lonely little place never got much positive feedback. Not from what I’d heard, anyway. Plus, the parking lot is always full of big trucks and it’s right down the road from a sketchy gay bar called Tool Box which is right next to the ports. I kind of got the impression they’d be serving floorburgers and when I went to pick one up I’d be proper bungholed.

Having heard that my paranoid homophobia might now be a faux-pas in these heady times, I decided to turn over a new leaf and go eat at Winnie’s. A lot of people have been saying very good things about their burgers. Plus, you know, the potential for anonymous gay trucker sex is always a draw.

I got a “Mini Winnie,” a 4oz cheeseburger with all the toppings an idiot like myself might come to expect plus some shitty frozen fries for $5.00. I liked that they offered the onions fried or raw. I like both but, hell, if I get to choose, I’ll choose either one of the other. That’s for god damn sure. This time I chose fried, because I’m an American.

Good deal for a decked-out quarter pound cheeseburger and fries. Especially since the burger was really good. I didn’t specify a temperature (allegedly you can), but mine was done to a perfect medium. Often I’ll order medium-rare, but medium is fine in my book, and ought to be the standard when not specified – unlike most places that cook their burgers medium-well and beeeeyoooond.

 My coworker got the regular Winnie Burger, which is a half-pound heart attack in the form of a processed dead cow. He got bacon and jalapenos on his too, because he is an asshole.

It should be noted that I don’t think the fries had the mountain of spices as shown; I think he added that. He ate that whole thing and loved it, remarking that it was better than the Red Robin burger he had the other night. A dive bar with a better burger than a national fast-casual burger chain? Maybe America is not beyond any semblance of hope. Never mind, it is anyway. For so many reasons.

Is this the best burger in town? Well, no. Crow Hill serves up a burger which is definitely superior. The Crow Hill burger is 10oz as opposed to 8oz, has better meat and infinitely superior fries. However, it costs ten dollars and up depending on configuration. Crow Hill is now closed. Thanks Wilmington. Winnie’s is in the 6-7 dollar territory. Is it the best Wilmington burger in that price range? Probably.

Warning: They inexplicably don’t take plastic.

Winnies Tavern on Urbanspoon

Kickback Jacks

12 Mar

Rating: 1 Stone

Myself and Pete of ilmza hobo fame took a trip to try out the new eats at Kickback Jacks. I, for one, am a fan of Carolina Ale House for their food and affiliation with my favorite of all the sports, hockey. So I kinda wanted to hate the place.

this is not only allowed, but encouraged in hockey

We are seated next to a table with a child. Great. Luckily it was fairly early on a Sunday and neither of us were too bombed so we hoped her innocence would stay intact. After being seated, a round of ordering commenced and I opted for the $3 Bloody Mary (extra spicy please) and Pete got some Kickback Jack’s house beer. This gave us some time to look over the menu. I was underwhelmed by the whole thing, nothing seemed to jump out as me as unique or special. It was all your standard burgers, wings, appetizers, and such. Normally ordering is pretty easy but the lack of anything exciting or new bummed me out. I went with my personal standbys of soup (Baked Potato) and a burger. The burger ordered was a Tavern burger which is almost identical in ingredients to Carolina Ale House’s Pub burger. Ohhhhhh snap shit just got real son!

The Bloody Mary showed up with minimal wait. Or maybe I ordered a salad, who can remember with all the shit they packed into this drink. Limes, olives, and celery, oh my! For the record, you win my heart by giving me only celery, carrot, or shrimp with a Bloody Mary. All other garnishes can GTFO. The drink itself was thick but not overly so, with a hearty tomato flavor but seasoning enough to keep it from wandering into tomato soup territory. The yum on the rim is salt, pepper, and red pepper flake from what I could tell. A delicious way to start a meal; I’ve had much worse in the way of bloody marys, this was in the better half.

After the Bloody Mary came the soup. The waitress had informed me it came in a bowl, not a cup. At first I thought, “What the fuck do I care what it comes in,” until this huge bowl was brought out to me. My god, it was a monster. My first impression was that it was darker than any potato soup I’ve ever seen. The taste was absolutely amazing. There was more going on than just the normal cream and potato flavor. I would actually have been fine without the bacon and cheese on top; it was that good. Some of the best baked or loaded potato soup I’ve had. Ever. That bowl was huge and with the exception of the tastes I offered Pete, I ate the whole thing. Also well worth mentioning: it came with club crackers, not saltines. A huge bonus in my book. I’m almost glad I only got two packs because I very well could have gone through a box just dipping them into that glorious soup.

Next came the burger, and it was a whopper. I asked for the tavern sauce on the side just to get a better handle on the flavor and save the burger if I wasn’t a fan. The sauce was a lot different from Ale House’s sauce. This was much more horseradish IN YOUR FACE! Not as great for dipping fries in, but god it was delicious on that fucking burger. The burger itself was juicy and a perfect medium (as requested) with a moat of blood pooling in the plate before I had even taken the first bite. The fried onion strings were delicious as well. On the menu they make a huge deal of HANDCUTTING the fries. Unless that’s fucking Byron back there cutting them, I don’t care. Luckily, these were fucking awesome. They were crispy without being overdone, and perfectly seasoned. It is a testament to my soup and burger that any of them remained for Pete to scrom. Also worth noting: I finished that whole motherfucking burger too. Who needs their body to produce insulin? NOT ME!


Kickback Jack’s is a “sports restaurant” and I can respect that. The food was all delicious and above what I was expecting in a sports joint. It had a nice atmosphere, tons of decent flat screens, and booze. The food was also reasonably priced, with my burger running $6.49 and the soup only $3.49. I recommend checking this place out.  Would I come here for a night of hardcore drinking? No. But would I come here to watch a game on a weeknight and grab some dinner in the process? Absolutely. And that is where its strength lies. It’s enough of a restaurant to take the kids to, but not so much  that a raised voice over a bad call would be out of line. With that in mind, it shall receive a rating of 1 stone. That’s approximately how much I gained today, in British. Side note: the waitresses wear super short shorts … if you’re into that.

KickBack Jack"s on Urbanspoon

Breaktime Billiards / Tenpin Alley

23 Dec

Rating: 1 AA meeting

I will start this post off by fully admitting I came here for one reason only. On Wednesday nights this bar has $1 draft PBRs. In case you hadn’t picked up on it, I love me some PBR. It’s generally the cheapest beer available, has decent flavor for the price, and is the epitome of class and high breeding. And they used to make sweet commercials. The point to all this being that if you serve cheap PBR, I will come.

I wasn’t planning on reviewing this but took pictures just in case I needed to pad the posts. But then I had the thought that reviewing bars might be a decent idea so here is a historic moment in no one’s life… my first bar review.

The bartenders were very attentive and entertaining, and they had cheap beer. Tons of pool tables, and it’s also technically a bowling alley so there’s even more stuff to do for bored alcoholics.

After reviewing a menu I ordered the “atomic” Breaktime Bites and a basket of curly fries.

The Breaktime Bites had an okay heat, but I’m a fan of just soaking chicken in Frank’s so I may not be the best judge. The chicken was moist, the ranch delicious, and ALL buffalo chicken should come with celery so kudos on that as well. Dual ranch cups were a plus, and all in all this was on the good end of what you expect from bar food. I like that these were thicker chicken bits instead of the frozen chicken tenders (ala J. Michaels) that a lot of places will dish out as boneless wings.

Next up were the curly fries. They were delicious, crispy, swirly curly fries. I think the only way to screw up curly fries is to make them soggy. These weren’t, so A+!  On a side note, why do curly fries taste so much better than regular fries? And are darker in color? What magical process in involved with this food of the gods?! (SPOILER ALERT: it’s the seasonings added) Mmmm curly fries. Yes, anyways, review….

All in all an awesome beer special, good staff, nice bar, and above mediocre bar food from my standpoint. I will definitley return and would urge anyone to do the same. On Wednesdays at least. For that reason I warn you to be careful, with cheap drinks and decent bar food, this would be enough to tip a weekend warrior to the entry level alchy side. And so I rate it 1 AA meeting. You may end up needing it.

Breaktime on Urbanspoon

J. Michael’s Philly Deli

11 Nov

Rating: 1 Ranch

This place has a been a staple birthday dinner of my youngest brother for as long as I can remember. Every year we trek out to Porters Neck because for some reason family tradition dictates we must go to the furthest one. Don’t ask me why; it’s free food and I’m down. This also makes reviewing this place by “food” standards as difficult as rating Spaghetti-os by pasta standards. If you’ve grown up eating it, it tastes as it should. You like it. Does that make it good? Probably not. But after much debate I decided to attempt a review.

The menu is mostly apps, burgers, and subs, but the big thing are their phillys. Many a Wilmingtonian swears by them and hey, I’m not here to judge them. The natives, I mean. Of course these phillys will be judged. The ordering around the table is pretty much the same with different adds/subtracts on the phillys. The waitress takes our drink orders and since they have my favorite craft microbrew in bottle I get that (PBR).  I barely glanced at the menu since I’ve been ordering this shit fo years, son! (sorry that coffee martini is getting to me) I order the mozz sticks, a 2 piece chicken tender, and a philly hoagie with mayo. I notice while the food is being prepared that there’s some weird basket of pickle spears on the table.  Yes, for a second review, there are pickles. I like pickles, but they are just pickles so who cares? Im not even sure if they were ordered or brought out as some pre-app.

available for purchase at your local costco

Ok first up are the chicken tenders. They are almost certainly the frozen ones you’ve had in a million other bars/diners/cafes and taste like chicken and pepper. Not to worry, I ordered the Ranch as the dipping sauce. J. Michael’s has some of the best Ranch ever. In the history of this one post. Its slightly watery and possibly the home-made kind. Don’t care what magic creates it I just know I love it. The Ranch makes the tenders taste like Ranch so I approve. I was slightly worried when they brought the food out; my tenders had fries with them. Which is indicative of a kids meal, not a 2 piecer. The waitress informed me the cooks had messed up and the fires were no charge. Huzzah! Actually I didn’t really care for their fries but free food is good food as I just started saying so pretty cool of them. Fries were big wedges that were once again the average frozen variety.

Onto the mozz sticks which have been a favorite for years. The sticks are breaded with actual bread crumbs. I appreciate this. At least it wasn’t those weird floured farmrich walmart ones, so if they are frozen they’re the better kind. The marinara sauce has always been my favorite part of getting the sticks but this time it wasn’t as great. It seemed thicker and a little off tasting, it may have been the bottom of the bucket or the fact I was trying to review it. I’m going to say they make this in-house since I haven’t ever tasted another sauce that came close. It’s a bit more vinegary than your normal marinara and works well with the fried greasy sweetness of mozz sticks. I ended up dosing those in ranch after a few bites with the sauce though; man the Ranch makes everything awesome.

I ordered my philly hoagie style (lettuce and tomato) and yes I know that’s not traditional. Don’t care, that’s how I like it. My brother got the large while I got the small. After we had taken a few bites he grinned at me and stated “This isn’t a race. But if it was, I’d be winning.” Challenge accepted. Heated scromming occurred and I can’t say I tasted most of my philly. What I did taste was (also) frozen thin slices of steak with some tasteless cheese. It had soft bread and I have to say I’m a fan of a crustier bread with subs especially when it’s a hot messy one that needs something more substantial to hold it in. The point of this story is I won with a few of his bites to spare. Upon my glorious victory dance, my brother then asked me with an even larger grin “What’s wrong with you? I told you it wasn’t a race”

I come from a family of trolls.

This “deli” is a grilled/fried frozen food supplier. And I’m ok with that. It tastes exactly how I remember and its not claiming to be a 4 star affair. The phillys are pretty good if you’re judging from that stand point, and most drunks I know would claim the food delicious after a few beers. I think this place would go down easier if it was more of a bar with decent munchies than an actual restaurant, but either way I was satisfied. I am going to judge it based on how many of the Ranch you should order with each item. And 1 is not too shabby.

J Michael's Philly Deli on Urbanspoon