Tag Archives: fast food

GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY (Hardees … again)

22 Jun

GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY #3

I had eaten a wrap and a lot of fries at this point. Sue me, there were a lot of people around and I feel like a fucking idiot taking a picture of my food (rightly so).

Lord LiquorLunch does two BK reviews and I’m doing my second Hardees review? Sign of the times, I guess. Of those two establishments, I have to give Hardees the nod if only for their buffalo chicken tenders. That single menu item almost made me believe in God until I realized how dumb of a conclusion that was to jump to. Full disclosure: I have a freakish-bordering-on-fetish love of Frank’s Hot Sauce.

As much as I like Hardees buffalo chicken tenders, the two times I tried their regular tenders, I hated the crap out of them. They were dry, tasteless, and the breading just sloughed off and made me hate myself even more than I normally do when I’m eating Hardees cuisine.

Therefore when I redeemed my $2.99 coupon for a small combo of two chicken tender wraps, small fry and small drink, I was expecting to despise the wraps. Well, the whole meal actually because I don’t generally like Hardees fries. However, this shit was really good and a friggin steal at $3.20 after tax. Even better, the cashier mucked up my order and marked it as to-go instead of eat-in even though I told her twice. Better, you ask? Well, she gave me some free apple pie thing as an apology, ya see.

Das Wrapenator

The chicken was well-cooked and well-breaded, very tasty. Ranch. Enough said there; ranch is almost always good. The cheese was good and the lettuce served its purpose (whatever that might be). The tortilla was inoffensive. Overall, I really liked these wraps.

Fries

I usually hate Hardees fries but these were pretty good. Reminded me of a cross between Wendy’s new fries and McDonalds fries. Yet worse than both. They were still pretty good, though.

MYSTERY APPLE THING CONTENDER

I didn’t order this so I assume the cashier felt bad about making me sit around for a very long time because she forgot my order was eat-in. It was a pretty shitty ‘dessert.’ I don’t know what they charge for these things but I think you can get them at gas stations for fifty cents or less. Actually this was definitely worse than the ones at the gas station. It wasn’t bad or anything but it was just fairly dumb. If you’re gonna copy McDonalds (why, Jesus, why?), don’t make your version way, way worse and not even hot to boot. That’s dumb!

Conclusion

For $2.99, this meal was worth the public shame of taking a coupon out of my wallet and using it. Now to the heart of the matter: I want everything in a fucking flour tortilla. I love flour tortillas. You could dump out a diaper of baby poop into a tortilla, roll it up, and I’d pay you good money to ingest it. Am I forsaking the Earl of Sandwich? No, of course not. But sometimes you don’t want a lot of dumb bread everywhere. Bread is so dumb.

Also I must mention that Hardees is the absolute worst about mixing up to-go and eat-in. What’s worse is that some (all?) Hardees give out plastic number cards for eat-in, so they can pretend to be a semi-full service restaurant. At least at other fast food places, you are gonna be mulling around the counter regardless when your number is called.

At Hardees you just sit at a table in the back like some dumb fucking asshole in the waiting room of his doctor’s office having arrived a day early: I hope you have a smart phone to goof off on or a booth concealed enough to jerk off in because otherwise you are not gonna have a good time sitting around waiting for the world to end.

Final Thoughts For Real

I must patent an interrupt device that makes the consumer punch in eat-in or to-go. Actually I guess soon enough the whole ordering process is gonna be through a user-input touch screen. Like they had at the White Castle I went to in Manhattan some months back. Which still fucked my order up, by the way.

Burger King’s New Bacon Sundae

20 Jun

My little brother decided to treat me to lunch on Father’s Day, and apparently his idea of a treat is a triple whopper with bacon. No I am not my brother’s father, though I understand the confusion since this is the South. I wasn’t really in the mood for fast food garbage but I did check the menu for the Bacon Sundae I’ve heard tale of. I saw that they had it and immediatley it seemed today was my lucky day. When they finally handed it through the window I was in shock over how big it was. Seriously, that picture does it no justice. It seemed at least twice the size of the regular value sundae and it came with both fudge AND caramel (normally an extra charge to get both) and toppings were distributed heavily at the top and bottom, so at the price point of around $1.50 it was a bargain. I’m a huge sucker for salty/sweet flavor combos. Just a couple months back I made a delicious Candied-Bacon Whiskey-Marshmallow Caramel Bark that blew my friend’s minds. Point being, if there’s bacon, I will eat.

The down(ish) side was that the bacon chucks were huge and not crispy enough to really give a good texture contrast. Also, the experience of the bacon bites was the normal soft serve-and-topping flavor, with a vague chewiness and a salty bacon finish. It was delicious, but the bacon didn’t have nearly enough presence. Fat Kid Pro-Tip: Try a small fry with the icecream. The greasiness of the fry with the overly sweet icecream produces an almost doughnut-esque flavor profile that is weirdly satisfying.

Is this worth trying? HELL YES! If nothing else, it’s proportions make it a great deal. But don’t expect your mind to be blown. Sadly this sundae is no more and probably a little less than the sum of its parts. It does speak to that sugary overload you expect from fast food though, and the bacon was a good step in the right direction, BK. My advice? BK should make the bacon crispier and in smaller pieces, and serve a tiny portion of mini fries alongside. That might perfect this grand idea.

Ed. note: WTF ANOTHER BURGER KING REVIEW? THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS, CONTAGIOUS AND DOWNRIGHT MASTICATIOUS.
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Gotta Get Down on Friday (Hardees)

11 May

GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY #1

Sometimes a man’s priorities are a simple affair. For example, today I wanted to both eat a disgustingly fat lunch and get drunk. More importantly, I didn’t want to spend too much money. The problem here is two-fold: One, patronizing eateries costs money; secondly, liquor is never cheap at those places; the beer might be, but after that crap who has room for the prerequisite fatty food calories?

For the sake of mid-east peace I bought a pint of whiskey at the ABC and ordered a weird carton of bacon cheese fries at Hardees. ‘Classy move,’ you say? well, sir, I concur. There are few guiltier pleasures than fast food – and day drinking is one of them. Combine the two and there’s no space in hell for my fat, drunk ass.

I’ve bought drinks at fast food places to use as mixers (hell, that may be the only times I’ve ever bought drinks at fast food places), but I’m fairly certain that mixing drinks in the back of a Hardees was a (thus far) singular experience.

I’m going to mostly skip over the bacon cheese fries. The cheese was pretty gross, the bacon was somehow even softer and flabbier than I am, and as always the Hardees fries were an abomination (they’re crummy). Packaged together, it was a shit show. But it came with a free drink due to this coupon I had, so fuck it. I figured, spend a little over two dollars on these shitty fries and a drink, add a $4 pint of gutrot whiskey on top and, surely, few mortal men would dare oppose me. I was right.

Yet, I’ve always heard rumors of a fabled ‘one-dollar spicy chicken sandwich’ from Hardees. I’ve never seen it on any menu, no. It’s mere existence may be a wispy trail of a near-forgotten daydream, yes. After a few shots of Old Mill Stream, I was ready to find out. With utter trepidation and mild hunger, I made my inquiry.

The (decidedly not) spicy chicken sandwich at Hardees does indeed cost a measly dollar. Oddly, it tastes exactly like the shit they serve at Burger King on their stupid old chicken sandwiches. Except these are vaguely circular instead of the weird sub-shape offering BK is famous for. It’s actually pretty damn similar in a lot of ways to the terrible shit BK serves you – dry and off-putting, except this one costs a buck instead of BK’s four. Burger King is so shitty.

I got a ‘hot ham and cheese’ sandwich too because, well, fuck it man: whiskey. I’d never had this sandwich before, either. It was kind of okay. It was like something you might find at Arby’s, if you were ever dumb enough to go there. Hardees is trying to cover all their bases, I guess. They’ve even started offering breakfast wraps. Personally I think that’s awesome because I’m a Yankee and biscuits can get lost.

I have nothing else to say, get off my lawn.

Hardee's on Urbanspoon

Doritos Locos Taco Supreme

13 Mar

Rating: 1 Cool Ranch Dorito Shell

I hate Taco Bell. I never go. Even drunkenly stumbling into a car with my friends screaming, “French toast,”* I’m never in the mood for Taco Bell. Now that we’re clear, I will say I was excited about the new Dorito shelled taco. I went to Taco Bell the day it was unleashed upon the world and here are my thoughts …

The picture looks waaaaay better than this did in person and the shell wasn’t nearly as Dorito-y as I had hoped. The beef was cheap, the cheese sparse and unmelted. Really, it was silly of me to expect the Dorito shell to work some crazy voodoo magic and make Taco Bell exciting and edible. I got the supreme version because it had sour cream. Honestly, this review is boring me just writing it. This is a Taco Bell taco with some Dorito seasoning sprinkled on the shell. No more, no less. I did find that I loved the Salsa Verde sauce packets and stole a handful or two of them … so there’s that. All in all a disappointing development in Taco Bell history, though at least a step in the right direction. I’m rating it 1 Cool Ranch Dorito Shell, because get that shit, then come back and see me.

*Note: Liquor is writing juice, not driving juice. Never drink and drive.
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McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets, Chicken McBites, Hot Mustard & Hot Habanero Sauce

28 Feb

Rating: Shut up

Who goes to McDonald’s? Fatsos! Just get it over with and rename this place McAsshole. I kind of like to go here in the morning to get some fat bullshit and, more importantly, hot caffeine, to throw into my stupid mouth. Sometimes they ask me if I want cream or sugar in my coffee. Fuck you, no I don’t. Why don’t you ask me if I’d like a goddamn corndog in my coffee? The answer would be a definitive YES.

I heard the jerks at McDonald’s came out with both a new sauce and a new chicken-esque product so I figured I’d try them out. Since that shit didn’t really apply to my blog, and since I’m drunk, I figured I’d write some garbage here. First off, I love Chicken McNuggets.

I also love the hot mustard sauce at McDonald’s. Let me clarify: McNuggets are fucking terrible. I kind of like them when they’re cold, though. I’m a shitty person, what can I say? Everyone that goes to this place is an asshole. Like this guy the other day. It was a little before 7a.m. and I was getting some fucking “pancakes” and “sausage” because I had a coupon. And a huge dollar coffee because my brain doesn’t like itself and commands me to twist it about in various ways through chemical means. I leave the establishment, mentally preparing myself for the terrible onslaught of digestive absurdity that was about to ensue, when I see that some giant 18-wheeler was blocking my car in. And about 7 other cars, too.

I thought, “Heh. Well. At least I’m two hours early for work as is. No biggie.” But then I realized that I had the opportunity to justifiably be a dick to someone. I figure, being a trucker and all, he’d come at me with razor blades; but, like I said, I rape dolphins for fun. Okay, I didn’t say that before but now I did. And you read it, so the joke’s on you. So I’m walking back to this stupid McDonald’s and some harpy starts screeching at me. I do my best to ignore her but end up with the impression that she also hates this mongoloid truck driver. We both go in there and she starts her screeching at him. I wanted to punch her in her stupid vagina. She didn’t even wait to make sure he was the right guy, she just started yelling at the first fat black guy she saw wearing flannel.

When she paused to breathe or suck a dick or something I said, “Hey, you could have pulled up a little further and not blocked eight cars.” To which he responded, “Y’all can’t tell me whar to park mah truck.” Actually, I can! I just did, in fact. Since this guy was bigger than me and clearly had quadruple shark AIDS as opposed to a firm grasp on verbal communication, I just said, “you’re a terrible person; that’s all I’m saying. You’re a terrible person.”

Basically, everyone that goes to McDonald’s is a terrible person.

This shit cost like two ducks. It was gross. It was dry and nearly tasteless. Stick with McNuggets, man! Scratch that, just get 8 McDoubles and 4 apple pies for 10 dollars. I saw a lady order that mountain of obesity one time. I wanted to give her a high five but I was worried her heart might give out and I’d be liable.

The habanero sauce was almost okay. It didn’t seem too habanero-y, though. But it was kinda hot! That’s good. At least they got that kinda right. Overall it was kinda gross, really. It tasted vaguely carcinogenic.

McDonald's on Urbanspoon

Burger King’s New Onion Rings

15 Feb

Recently BK had a giveaway to promote their NEW AND IMPROVED ONION RINGS! I live about two seconds from The King, so I decided to stop in and rate their new offering.

Let me state that I am a fan of BK. I generally think they are underrated on the fast food scale, and they have Icees. I tried and liked their new fries, and was hoping these o-rings would be a similar step in the right direction.

nope. 

The new o-rings were basically the same as the old, with less onion flavor. Not different enough to really even warrant trying. I just don’t get it. If someone doesn’t like onions, they aren’t going to order fucking onion rings. So why even try to cater to onion hating nimrods? Also, I kinda hate people who hate onions. I mean, I was a toddler at one point too, but then I, you know, grew up. These things taste like fried bread rings that may or may not have been accidently sprinkled with a speck of onion powder. I was curious to see if there is even an actual onion in them so I sliced into one. There appears to be onion, but I wouldn’t swear to it. They probably should’ve spent some more time in R&D on these. New equals the old minus flavor equals profit?

Since I was already at the king, I grabbed a Whopper. I haven’t had one in ages and assumed, worst case, this would make the trip worthwhile. Today was just not their day. After I bit into the burger I realized both the onion and tomato were actually thicker than the burger itself. Which makes absolutely no sense. If I wanted a veggie burger, that’s what I’d order. And why are the onions that are a topping bigger than the onions that are supposedly a whole side dish by themselves?

Burger King is completely lost in what they are doing and who they are doing it for. I like their new fries. I like the fake grilled taste. But even a long time fan such as myself will eventually grow up and start judging your food as such. So words of advice: Make your onion rings taste like onion. Give them a lighter coating. Make your whopper patty thicker rather than wide. It’s only fast food, but even they could do better.

best thing to ever leave bk

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