Tag Archives: death match

Joose Deathmatch

4 Feb

Joose

 

I’m sure the last time you walked into a gas station you thought “Gee, what is up with these new 90’s tattoo looking Four Loko ripoffs? I mean, how is any self respecting hobo supposed to choose from all four choices? Who can solve this conundrum?!” That’s where I come in, your black night in a vagabond shopping cart. I bought all four flavors at my local gas station and tried them just for you!

Pretty self explanatory, I tried each one and rated it. I also included bonus ratings from a secondary source who is also an idiot.

Peach Margarita – Margarita? No. Peach? Yes. The peach is strong with this, which is yummy but very sweet and one note. Might be good mixed with tea.

Hurricane – Ew. Like watered down gummy bears. Offensively unflavorful.

Spicy Mango Margarita – Fruity but not as overwhelming or sweet as Peach. Very slight spicy kick at the end. Has a bit of complexity to drink a whole can easily.

Screwdriver – More citrusy than orangey, but well balance. Bit of tartness from the citrus which helps make is interesting.

My personal ranking is Spicy Mango, Screwdriver, Peach, then Hurricane.

My room mate preferred Peach, Screwdriver, Hurricane, then Spicy Mango. He thought the Peach’s flavor was good enough to make it drinkable but wasn’t a fan of the Spicy Mango so it may be a love it or hate it type deal.

So, go out and try these. As long as you don’t try the Hurricane.

Fireball Whiskey / Red Stag Spiced / Goldschlager / Pinnacle Atomic Hots / Firewater

20 Mar

I have decided to bring you the ultimate deathmatch, cinnamon-style. My method of choice is just to walk into the local ABC store and see what flavors they have minis of, then commence with the boozing. I will say up front, all but one of these were pretty freaking tasty. I’m separating the juice into three categories just to even the playing field.

Cinnamon Whiskey: Fireball vs Red Stag

Fireball (66 proof): Fireball has been a favorite of mine ever since I first tried it. It’s got a strong cinnamon flavor with the right amount of burn and started my love of cinnamon-flavored booze.
Red Stag (80 proof): Red Stag is labeled as “Spiced with cinnamon.” That’s being a little optimistic. It was very lightly spiced with a vaguely cinnamon flavor but had none of the burn generally associated with it. This could have been a good thing if there had been a slightly more pronounced flavoring but as is it fell flat.

Winner: Fireball

Cinnamon Liqueur: Firewater vs Goldschlager

Firewater (100 proof): The cinnamon flavor had something of a fakeness to it and wasn’t as enjoyable as some of the others tested, though the 100 proof did provide a seriously sweet throatburn. All in all a solid choice for the 100 proof category.
Goldschlager (87 proof): Surprisingly, The Gold was one of the least sweet of all the booze tried. And that is meant in the best possible way. It went down easy with little to no aftertaste, making it perfect for timid shot-takers. Plus that shit’s got real gold flakes, son!

Winner: Goldschlager

Cinnamon Vodka: Pinnacle Atomic Hots

Pinnacle Atomic Hots (70 proof): Basically, the Pinnacle tasted like a less-flavored, watered-down version of Fireball. Which is good if you’re looking for a less spicy cinnamon flavor. Also good if you’d rather go with a slightly higher proof.

TL;DR

Basically all of these were tasty with the exclusion of Red Stag. The shortcomings of most were only relative to the awesomeness of Fireball and would be unnoticeable unless you were taking back-to-back shots of other cinnamon flavored boozes.

Overall Winner: Fireball

  1. Fireball
  2. Goldschlager
  3. Pinnacle Atomic Hots
  4. Firewater
  5. Red Stag

Burnett’s Sweet Tea / Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka

11 Mar

So I have been planning an epic showdown between the various brands of whipped cream-flavored vodkas. I bought a bottle of the Burnett’s Whipped Cream and accidently drank it all before I could procure the other brands. Sue me. I went to the ABC Eastwood (the original bottle being from ABC 17th extension) to get the various bottles needed, wrongly assuming that a larger store would at least have the stock of the smaller stores. Let me just say this: the state of our liquor purchasing system is atrocious and beyond fixing. The state shouldn’t be buying liquor; I should be buying liquor. We can’t buy on Sundays for some unknown reason and the website is a clusterfuck of unhelpfulness. There is also virtually no way to contact a store without physically going to one OR emailing some random ABC board commisioner. So, say you were interested in purchasing 4 bottles of variously branded whipped cream-flavored vodkas, like myself. Your only choices are to run around like you’re on a very cool scavenger hunt, wasting precious time and gas, or bending over and taking it. Which I find amusing because if buying liquor on Sundays is outlawed in the Bible, surely assrape is mentioned somewhere in there as well. I haven’t read it. I wouldn’t know.

Long story short, I accepted defeat and got a bottle of Burnett’s Sweet Tea and a mini of Firefly. I drank most of the Burnett’s before I ever got around to a review which is a good sign already. In case you are unfamiliar with my love of Burnett’s you can also read me sing it’s praises here and here. Note of praise for ABC Eastwood: they did appear to have every Burnett’s flavor known to man. Except the damn Sugar Cookie I’ve been looking for.

Burnett’s Sweet Tea (60 proof): You can definitely tell there’s sweet tea going on here. But it is an almost overpoweringly sweet, thick flavor of tea, as if someone shoved molasses and tea into a closet for some very forced 7 minutes of heaven action. There is a very strong after burn, with an almost licorice aftertaste. It’s good, but there’s something off about it. If you’ve ever tasted sweet tea that’s been left in a container a couple days, you know the flavor.

Firefly Sweet Tea (70 proof): This is exactly what I assumed sweet tea flavored vodka should taste like. It had a balanced tea/sugar ratio with a slight kick just to let you know it’s happy hour. It’s made in SC which means you are supporting a semi-local business, which is cool. Also it shares the name of a sweet nerdy cult classic and is 5% stronger.

It’s tough to say who wins this one. If you’re judging strictly on flavor it’s Firefly in a comfortable lead. The problem comes when taking price into account … Burnett’s is $7.95(ish) and Firefly is $19.95(ish) meaning Burnett’s less-than-stellar flavor could be made up for by it’s being 39% of the price of Firefly. It comes down to your priorities, and since I’m not a fucking mindreader I’m giving these a tied status.

Evan Williams Honey Reserve / Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey / Seagram’s 7 Dark Honey / Wild Turkey American Honey

2 Jan

While at the liquor store I was in the holiday spirit and decided to risk life and liver to bring you the promised Honey Whiskey Showdown! I grabbed every mini bottle of honey whiskey my local store had and flew home to rate this quadruple-header. My method was 4 separate shot glasses, with diet cheerwine and water as palate cleansers. I took half the bottle as a shot, then reserved the other half for sipping in case of questions or discrepancies. All booze was drank at room temperature. This is science, BITCH.

Evan Williams Honey Reserve (70proof): I started with this one, and was very disappointed. I really wanted to like it, but it was ridiculously sweet, almost disgustingly so. Which I guess you could counter with the fact that honey is very sweet, but, as with Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey, the weird Evany flavor ruined the party. It left a weird aftertaste. I would be willing to bet this might be a top contender had the shots been chilled though.

Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey (70proof): As awful as I remembered. I am from here on out enacting a new term: Post-Traumatic Tennessee Honey Disorder (PTTHD). Also, what idiot came up with the spelling for Tennessee? Its like a Wheel of Fortune contestant’s dream word. It has to be the longest 4 letter word in existence. Don’t think I mentioned it yet, but this whiskey came in dead last.

Seagram’s 7 Dark Honey (71proof): My favorite by far, which is ironic since I assumed this would be among my least liked (excluding the hell that is JDTH). It had a definite honey flavor without it being very sweet, a very muted whiskey flavor, and without a better way to describe it, a certain richness to it.

Wild Turkey American Honey (71proof): My second favorite, it was very well balanced. You could taste the honey and the whiskey, but they complimented each other rather than having a hobo death match. Neither flavor over powered, and it had a very smooth whiskey finish.

In the interest of science I also made a suicide shot of equal parts of all the honey whiskeys. JDTH ruined it, just like everything else in my life. But here is a picture of it anyways, with the honey whiskeys ordered in accordance with my rankings. So sayeth the booze drinker; so it shall be.