Tag Archives: American

Burger King’s New Onion Rings

15 Feb

Recently BK had a giveaway to promote their NEW AND IMPROVED ONION RINGS! I live about two seconds from The King, so I decided to stop in and rate their new offering.

Let me state that I am a fan of BK. I generally think they are underrated on the fast food scale, and they have Icees. I tried and liked their new fries, and was hoping these o-rings would be a similar step in the right direction.


The new o-rings were basically the same as the old, with less onion flavor. Not different enough to really even warrant trying. I just don’t get it. If someone doesn’t like onions, they aren’t going to order fucking onion rings. So why even try to cater to onion hating nimrods? Also, I kinda hate people who hate onions. I mean, I was a toddler at one point too, but then I, you know, grew up. These things taste like fried bread rings that may or may not have been accidently sprinkled with a speck of onion powder. I was curious to see if there is even an actual onion in them so I sliced into one. There appears to be onion, but I wouldn’t swear to it. They probably should’ve spent some more time in R&D on these. New equals the old minus flavor equals profit?

Since I was already at the king, I grabbed a Whopper. I haven’t had one in ages and assumed, worst case, this would make the trip worthwhile. Today was just not their day. After I bit into the burger I realized both the onion and tomato were actually thicker than the burger itself. Which makes absolutely no sense. If I wanted a veggie burger, that’s what I’d order. And why are the onions that are a topping bigger than the onions that are supposedly a whole side dish by themselves?

Burger King is completely lost in what they are doing and who they are doing it for. I like their new fries. I like the fake grilled taste. But even a long time fan such as myself will eventually grow up and start judging your food as such. So words of advice: Make your onion rings taste like onion. Give them a lighter coating. Make your whopper patty thicker rather than wide. It’s only fast food, but even they could do better.

best thing to ever leave bk

Burger King on Urbanspoon


9 Feb

Rating: 9001: A Gut Odyssey

Man, everyone calls this place Firebellies and it really grinds my gear. Now that I have that out of the way, I’m writing this guest review because the real schmuck is in the parking lot sucking dicks or something. I mean how tough is it to write a review every now and then? It’s not very tough, trust me! I just drank 3 PBR and I’m writing a fucking review right now, so I should know.

I hate downtown Wilmington. Okay, maybe you love it, fine, fuck you. Oh there’s like art and music and shit and its pretty and stuff. Blah blah blah, fuck all that noise. As far as I’m concerned, the only good thing about downtown is getting shitlorded and pissing in public.

Recently I had some excess books I wanted to get rid of, so I forced myself to go to that land of abject loathing: downtown. I was gonna try to swap a couple boxes of old books at Old Books on Front Street for some store credit or a quick bathroom blow-jay. No-go on either count: the woman hiding underneath a pile of dusty books told me she had 3,000 books sitting around waiting to be sorted. Half of them were atop her very person at the time, or so it seemed.

I was thinking about going to Subway afterwards, but Firebelly blocked my way and the booze-vortex sucked me in. Thursday’s $2 PBR pint and $5 quesadilla specials were too much – I could not avoid this wonderful fate. Also I used to go to Firebelly constantly so there was the chance of a hookup on what already promised to be a cheap yet boozy lunch.

I don’t know why I got the beef version of this otherwise-excellent quesadilla. I don’t like Firebelly’s beef. It’s dry and it tastes stupid and it’s just kind of fucky all around. Their chicken’s often fucky too, and it costs extra. The steak is usually okay but it also costs extra. I really should’ve went with the veggie quesadilla, which itself is a bit shammy since it’s just sauteed onions and green peppers.

Even with the shoddy beef this quesadilla was pretty good. Everything else in it was good and the price is pretty compelling (on Thursdays). The PBR was your standard 16oz ‘pounder’ can – though I think sometimes it’s a 16oz draft. A fine deal at two bucks, so I had three. The mass of pseudo-Tex-Mexican barfood plus three pints was too much for my insides. Soon after returning to work I rapelorded the bathroom, in a glorious symphony of flatulence and shitulence. There was a line of people waiting outside the bathroom waiting to give me high fives. Or at least that’s what I assumed as I slapped them with my unwashed armfeet, or whatever they’re called.

This was not my favorite Firebelly lunch of all time, but it was still excellent in its own Firebelly sort of way. I love this place and always will. It’s tough to hate the bar where Steve Buscemi and Vince Vaughn got into a fight which resulted in Buscemi getting his neck fucking stabbed. That way outshines all the Kenny Powers scenes shot at Sh’boom Sh’booms, big time.
Firebelly Lounge on Urbanspoon

Carolina Ale House

30 Dec

Rating: 3.5 hours

Carolina Ale House is a family-friendly sports-themed restaurant … or so the website says. Let me tell you something … family-friendly restaurants suck and are really just drunk un-friendly. Why make a place that is called an ale house friendly to little rug rats who can’t even legally drink ale yet? Also, one time I went here and was seated at the outside bar to watch a game and this lady with her kid starts giving me the evil eye. She starts coughing loudly and when that doesn’t make an impression she asks me very self righteously, “Would you mind not blowing your smoke in my face?” Umm bitch I am turned away from you, at least 6 seats away. There’s nothing I can do about the wind. Your kind has forced me to sit outside to smoke because apparently bars are goddamn health spas now. So this bar was nice enough to build the smokers their own little bar outside to smoke, drink, and curse at athletes unmolested, and now your kind comes out here and try to claim it as well? Fuck off. Point of that being is that this place is awesome because of their outside bar. It’s where the real drunks are.

I went to CAH because I wanted to watch a hockey game and they have the center ice package. I also received a gift card for Boozemas and I like free food. I was absolutely starving and went with the “Pub Burger” because it had bacon and I’m going through an onion rings phase. I ordered the “special sauce” on the side; I get cautious about weird sauces on my burger and I wasn’t filled with liquid courage. I ordered the burger medium and with minimal wait this was brought out to me.

It was delicious. The sauce was mayo based and awesome, I wish I had ordered a side for dipping my fries in. The onion strings were perfectly cooked and have been added to my list of stuff every burger should come with (along with bacon and fried eggs.) The burger itself was a bit well done for medium but juicy enough to create a moat of cow blood in my plate. The fries were really good as well; they tasted like curly fries without, you know, being curly or whatever. The only thing I take issue with are the veggies. There’s no need for them in this mountain of perfection. I ate almost every bit of food on the plate and wished I had room for more. Alas, I only had $30 on my giftcard and this monster accounted for $8.29 of that leaving only $21.71 for booze which equals around 8.6 Bud Lites at $2.50 a pop. And that, kids, is why you need to learn math. Makes for more efficient drinking. Also, I used a calculator for that so if the math is off the computers may have become sentient.

All in all the burger was awesome, but burgers are pretty hard to screw up. I loved the fries; they’re probably frozen but I’m not picky. As a bar it kinda sucks with the family-friendly bit, but I do like the choice of an outside bar with multiple flat screens and more taps than most bars have. They have an insane amount of TVs and have put on re-runs of Stanley Cup games over live baseball when I’ve asked, so getting your game of choice on is never a problem. I’m definitely going to come back and pay real money for food here and probably order this same burger. The average hockey game lasts about 2.5 hours, and I’d gladly show up an hour earlier to eat, but leave after and spend another hour drinking somewhere with PBR on special, giving CAH a rating of 3.5 out of 4.5 hours.

Note of caution: I have come here multiple times and have horrible experiences with sitting at the tables. My friends and myself are fast drinkers and we had to start double ordering beers because it would take that long for the waitress to get back around to our table. I would recommend sitting at the bar whenever possible.

Carolina Ale House on Urbanspoon

Breaktime Billiards / Tenpin Alley

23 Dec

Rating: 1 AA meeting

I will start this post off by fully admitting I came here for one reason only. On Wednesday nights this bar has $1 draft PBRs. In case you hadn’t picked up on it, I love me some PBR. It’s generally the cheapest beer available, has decent flavor for the price, and is the epitome of class and high breeding. And they used to make sweet commercials. The point to all this being that if you serve cheap PBR, I will come.

I wasn’t planning on reviewing this but took pictures just in case I needed to pad the posts. But then I had the thought that reviewing bars might be a decent idea so here is a historic moment in no one’s life… my first bar review.

The bartenders were very attentive and entertaining, and they had cheap beer. Tons of pool tables, and it’s also technically a bowling alley so there’s even more stuff to do for bored alcoholics.

After reviewing a menu I ordered the “atomic” Breaktime Bites and a basket of curly fries.

The Breaktime Bites had an okay heat, but I’m a fan of just soaking chicken in Frank’s so I may not be the best judge. The chicken was moist, the ranch delicious, and ALL buffalo chicken should come with celery so kudos on that as well. Dual ranch cups were a plus, and all in all this was on the good end of what you expect from bar food. I like that these were thicker chicken bits instead of the frozen chicken tenders (ala J. Michaels) that a lot of places will dish out as boneless wings.

Next up were the curly fries. They were delicious, crispy, swirly curly fries. I think the only way to screw up curly fries is to make them soggy. These weren’t, so A+!  On a side note, why do curly fries taste so much better than regular fries? And are darker in color? What magical process in involved with this food of the gods?! (SPOILER ALERT: it’s the seasonings added) Mmmm curly fries. Yes, anyways, review….

All in all an awesome beer special, good staff, nice bar, and above mediocre bar food from my standpoint. I will definitley return and would urge anyone to do the same. On Wednesdays at least. For that reason I warn you to be careful, with cheap drinks and decent bar food, this would be enough to tip a weekend warrior to the entry level alchy side. And so I rate it 1 AA meeting. You may end up needing it.

Breaktime on Urbanspoon

J. Michael’s Philly Deli

11 Nov

Rating: 1 Ranch

This place has a been a staple birthday dinner of my youngest brother for as long as I can remember. Every year we trek out to Porters Neck because for some reason family tradition dictates we must go to the furthest one. Don’t ask me why; it’s free food and I’m down. This also makes reviewing this place by “food” standards as difficult as rating Spaghetti-os by pasta standards. If you’ve grown up eating it, it tastes as it should. You like it. Does that make it good? Probably not. But after much debate I decided to attempt a review.

The menu is mostly apps, burgers, and subs, but the big thing are their phillys. Many a Wilmingtonian swears by them and hey, I’m not here to judge them. The natives, I mean. Of course these phillys will be judged. The ordering around the table is pretty much the same with different adds/subtracts on the phillys. The waitress takes our drink orders and since they have my favorite craft microbrew in bottle I get that (PBR).  I barely glanced at the menu since I’ve been ordering this shit fo years, son! (sorry that coffee martini is getting to me) I order the mozz sticks, a 2 piece chicken tender, and a philly hoagie with mayo. I notice while the food is being prepared that there’s some weird basket of pickle spears on the table.  Yes, for a second review, there are pickles. I like pickles, but they are just pickles so who cares? Im not even sure if they were ordered or brought out as some pre-app.

available for purchase at your local costco

Ok first up are the chicken tenders. They are almost certainly the frozen ones you’ve had in a million other bars/diners/cafes and taste like chicken and pepper. Not to worry, I ordered the Ranch as the dipping sauce. J. Michael’s has some of the best Ranch ever. In the history of this one post. Its slightly watery and possibly the home-made kind. Don’t care what magic creates it I just know I love it. The Ranch makes the tenders taste like Ranch so I approve. I was slightly worried when they brought the food out; my tenders had fries with them. Which is indicative of a kids meal, not a 2 piecer. The waitress informed me the cooks had messed up and the fires were no charge. Huzzah! Actually I didn’t really care for their fries but free food is good food as I just started saying so pretty cool of them. Fries were big wedges that were once again the average frozen variety.

Onto the mozz sticks which have been a favorite for years. The sticks are breaded with actual bread crumbs. I appreciate this. At least it wasn’t those weird floured farmrich walmart ones, so if they are frozen they’re the better kind. The marinara sauce has always been my favorite part of getting the sticks but this time it wasn’t as great. It seemed thicker and a little off tasting, it may have been the bottom of the bucket or the fact I was trying to review it. I’m going to say they make this in-house since I haven’t ever tasted another sauce that came close. It’s a bit more vinegary than your normal marinara and works well with the fried greasy sweetness of mozz sticks. I ended up dosing those in ranch after a few bites with the sauce though; man the Ranch makes everything awesome.

I ordered my philly hoagie style (lettuce and tomato) and yes I know that’s not traditional. Don’t care, that’s how I like it. My brother got the large while I got the small. After we had taken a few bites he grinned at me and stated “This isn’t a race. But if it was, I’d be winning.” Challenge accepted. Heated scromming occurred and I can’t say I tasted most of my philly. What I did taste was (also) frozen thin slices of steak with some tasteless cheese. It had soft bread and I have to say I’m a fan of a crustier bread with subs especially when it’s a hot messy one that needs something more substantial to hold it in. The point of this story is I won with a few of his bites to spare. Upon my glorious victory dance, my brother then asked me with an even larger grin “What’s wrong with you? I told you it wasn’t a race”

I come from a family of trolls.

This “deli” is a grilled/fried frozen food supplier. And I’m ok with that. It tastes exactly how I remember and its not claiming to be a 4 star affair. The phillys are pretty good if you’re judging from that stand point, and most drunks I know would claim the food delicious after a few beers. I think this place would go down easier if it was more of a bar with decent munchies than an actual restaurant, but either way I was satisfied. I am going to judge it based on how many of the Ranch you should order with each item. And 1 is not too shabby.

J Michael's Philly Deli on Urbanspoon