McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets, Chicken McBites, Hot Mustard & Hot Habanero Sauce

28 Feb

Rating: Shut up

Who goes to McDonald’s? Fatsos! Just get it over with and rename this place McAsshole. I kind of like to go here in the morning to get some fat bullshit and, more importantly, hot caffeine, to throw into my stupid mouth. Sometimes they ask me if I want cream or sugar in my coffee. Fuck you, no I don’t. Why don’t you ask me if I’d like a goddamn corndog in my coffee? The answer would be a definitive YES.

I heard the jerks at McDonald’s came out with both a new sauce and a new chicken-esque product so I figured I’d try them out. Since that shit didn’t really apply to my blog, and since I’m drunk, I figured I’d write some garbage here. First off, I love Chicken McNuggets.

I also love the hot mustard sauce at McDonald’s. Let me clarify: McNuggets are fucking terrible. I kind of like them when they’re cold, though. I’m a shitty person, what can I say? Everyone that goes to this place is an asshole. Like this guy the other day. It was a little before 7a.m. and I was getting some fucking “pancakes” and “sausage” because I had a coupon. And a huge dollar coffee because my brain doesn’t like itself and commands me to twist it about in various ways through chemical means. I leave the establishment, mentally preparing myself for the terrible onslaught of digestive absurdity that was about to ensue, when I see that some giant 18-wheeler was blocking my car in. And about 7 other cars, too.

I thought, “Heh. Well. At least I’m two hours early for work as is. No biggie.” But then I realized that I had the opportunity to justifiably be a dick to someone. I figure, being a trucker and all, he’d come at me with razor blades; but, like I said, I rape dolphins for fun. Okay, I didn’t say that before but now I did. And you read it, so the joke’s on you. So I’m walking back to this stupid McDonald’s and some harpy starts screeching at me. I do my best to ignore her but end up with the impression that she also hates this mongoloid truck driver. We both go in there and she starts her screeching at him. I wanted to punch her in her stupid vagina. She didn’t even wait to make sure he was the right guy, she just started yelling at the first fat black guy she saw wearing flannel.

When she paused to breathe or suck a dick or something I said, “Hey, you could have pulled up a little further and not blocked eight cars.” To which he responded, “Y’all can’t tell me whar to park mah truck.” Actually, I can! I just did, in fact. Since this guy was bigger than me and clearly had quadruple shark AIDS as opposed to a firm grasp on verbal communication, I just said, “you’re a terrible person; that’s all I’m saying. You’re a terrible person.”

Basically, everyone that goes to McDonald’s is a terrible person.

This shit cost like two ducks. It was gross. It was dry and nearly tasteless. Stick with McNuggets, man! Scratch that, just get 8 McDoubles and 4 apple pies for 10 dollars. I saw a lady order that mountain of obesity one time. I wanted to give her a high five but I was worried her heart might give out and I’d be liable.

The habanero sauce was almost okay. It didn’t seem too habanero-y, though. But it was kinda hot! That’s good. At least they got that kinda right. Overall it was kinda gross, really. It tasted vaguely carcinogenic.

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