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GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY (Hardees … again)

22 Jun


I had eaten a wrap and a lot of fries at this point. Sue me, there were a lot of people around and I feel like a fucking idiot taking a picture of my food (rightly so).

Lord LiquorLunch does two BK reviews and I’m doing my second Hardees review? Sign of the times, I guess. Of those two establishments, I have to give Hardees the nod if only for their buffalo chicken tenders. That single menu item almost made me believe in God until I realized how dumb of a conclusion that was to jump to. Full disclosure: I have a freakish-bordering-on-fetish love of Frank’s Hot Sauce.

As much as I like Hardees buffalo chicken tenders, the two times I tried their regular tenders, I hated the crap out of them. They were dry, tasteless, and the breading just sloughed off and made me hate myself even more than I normally do when I’m eating HardeesĀ cuisine.

Therefore when I redeemed my $2.99 coupon for a small combo of two chicken tender wraps, small fry and small drink, I was expecting to despise the wraps. Well, the whole meal actually because I don’t generally like Hardees fries. However, this shit was really good and a friggin steal at $3.20 after tax. Even better, the cashier mucked up my order and marked it as to-go instead of eat-in even though I told her twice. Better, you ask? Well, she gave me some free apple pie thing as an apology, ya see.

Das Wrapenator

The chicken was well-cooked and well-breaded, very tasty. Ranch. Enough said there; ranch is almost always good. The cheese was good and the lettuce served its purpose (whatever that might be). The tortilla was inoffensive. Overall, I really liked these wraps.


I usually hate Hardees fries but these were pretty good. Reminded me of a cross between Wendy’s new fries and McDonalds fries. Yet worse than both. They were still pretty good, though.


I didn’t order this so I assume the cashier felt bad about making me sit around for a very long time because she forgot my order was eat-in. It was a pretty shitty ‘dessert.’ I don’t know what they charge for these things but I think you can get them at gas stations for fifty cents or less. Actually this was definitely worse than the ones at the gas station. It wasn’t bad or anything but it was just fairly dumb. If you’re gonna copy McDonalds (why, Jesus, why?), don’t make your version way, way worse and not even hot to boot. That’s dumb!


For $2.99, this meal was worth the public shame of taking a coupon out of my wallet and using it. Now to the heart of the matter: I want everything in a fucking flour tortilla. I love flour tortillas. You could dump out a diaper of baby poop into a tortilla, roll it up, and I’d pay you good money to ingest it. Am I forsaking the Earl of Sandwich? No, of course not. But sometimes you don’t want a lot of dumb bread everywhere. Bread is so dumb.

Also I must mention that Hardees is the absolute worst about mixing up to-go and eat-in. What’s worse is that some (all?) Hardees give out plastic number cards for eat-in, so they can pretend to be a semi-full service restaurant. At least at other fast food places, you are gonna be mulling around the counter regardless when your number is called.

At Hardees you just sit at a table in the back like some dumb fucking asshole in the waiting room of his doctor’s office having arrived a day early: I hope you have a smart phone to goof off on or a booth concealed enough to jerk off in because otherwise you are not gonna have a good time sitting around waiting for the world to end.

Final Thoughts For Real

I must patent an interrupt device that makes the consumer punch in eat-in or to-go. Actually I guess soon enough the whole ordering process is gonna be through a user-input touch screen. Like they had at the White Castle I went to in Manhattan some months back. Which still fucked my order up, by the way.

Gotta Get Down on Friday (Tokyo Deli)

25 May


Fuck me running. I love the shit out of Tokyo Deli. Living and working nearby this place for years has been awesome. That said, I (shamefully) don’t go here terribly often. I’m kind of a cheapskate, and while this place isn’t exactly super-expensive, more often than not I’d rather drink dollar beers somewhere if I’m being forced to consume calories.

I’ve had most of the dishes at the Deli (except for the sushi because I’m picky about seafood) and this is one of my go-to orders: Zaru soba (~$5.25), seaweed salad (~$1.40) and a soda ($.75). All told after tax it came out to exactly eight bucks which isn’t too shabby.

Zaru Soba

This is an awesome, filling and healthy thing to eat. It’s perfect for hot-as-balls weather, too, and here’s why: it’s cold. I think basically they just boil up some noodles and then flash chill them with ice, but what do I know? What I really do know is that the zaru soba at Tokyo Deli tastes exactly like stuff I ate in Matsushima Bay and Tokyo a few years ago. Directions: put wasabi paste in the dipping sauce and stir; take a bunch o’ noodles and put them in the dipping sauce and stir ‘em around a bit; shove that stuff in your face. Awesome.

Seaweed Salad

I love seaweed salad and this place does it right. It tastes awesome and it’s only $1.40! It is a fairly small portion, however. I could eat this stuff until I was super dead.

Diet Mountain Dew Supernova

What the fuck was I thinking? This stuff was really shitty! The only way to get your money’s worth out of this can is to throw it at some fat kid on the side of the road (trust me, its therapeutic).


Go to this place. I’ve been coming here forever and even though the owners have changed, they still sell excellent food that will surely make you a better person and stuff.
Tokyo-Deli on Urbanspoon

Gotta Get Down on Friday (Hardees)

11 May


Sometimes a man’s priorities are a simple affair. For example, today I wanted to both eat a disgustingly fat lunch and get drunk. More importantly, I didn’t want to spend too much money. The problem here is two-fold: One, patronizing eateries costs money; secondly, liquor is never cheap at those places; the beer might be, but after that crap who has room for the prerequisite fatty food calories?

For the sake of mid-east peace I bought a pint of whiskey at the ABC and ordered a weird carton of bacon cheese fries at Hardees. ‘Classy move,’ you say? well, sir, I concur. There are few guiltier pleasures than fast food – and day drinking is one of them. Combine the two and there’s no space in hell for my fat, drunk ass.

I’ve bought drinks at fast food places to use as mixers (hell, that may be the only times I’ve ever bought drinks at fast food places), but I’m fairly certain that mixing drinks in the back of a Hardees was a (thus far) singular experience.

I’m going to mostly skip over the bacon cheese fries. The cheese was pretty gross, the bacon was somehow even softer and flabbier than I am, and as always the Hardees fries were an abomination (they’re crummy). Packaged together, it was a shit show. But it came with a free drink due to this coupon I had, so fuck it. I figured, spend a little over two dollars on these shitty fries and a drink, add a $4 pint of gutrot whiskey on top and, surely, few mortal men would dare oppose me. I was right.

Yet, I’ve always heard rumors of a fabled ‘one-dollar spicy chicken sandwich’ from Hardees. I’ve never seen it on any menu, no. It’s mere existence may be a wispy trail of a near-forgotten daydream, yes. After a few shots of Old Mill Stream, I was ready to find out. With utter trepidation and mild hunger, I made my inquiry.

The (decidedly not) spicy chicken sandwich at Hardees does indeed cost a measly dollar. Oddly, it tastes exactly like the shit they serve at Burger King on their stupid old chicken sandwiches. Except these are vaguely circular instead of the weird sub-shape offering BK is famous for. It’s actually pretty damn similar in a lot of ways to the terrible shit BK serves you – dry and off-putting, except this one costs a buck instead of BK’s four. Burger King is so shitty.

I got a ‘hot ham and cheese’ sandwich too because, well, fuck it man: whiskey. I’d never had this sandwich before, either. It was kind of okay. It was like something you might find at Arby’s, if you were ever dumb enough to go there. Hardees is trying to cover all their bases, I guess. They’ve even started offering breakfast wraps. Personally I think that’s awesome because I’m a Yankee and biscuits can get lost.

I have nothing else to say, get off my lawn.

Hardee's on Urbanspoon