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Hardees Thickburger / Fresh Baked Bun

23 Dec

2013-12-19_11-37-08_760Nice burger! I like the bun. Big upgrade from the old bun, which wasn’t terrible to begin with. Upon opening this beast I was hit with an overwhelming smell of White Castle, for some reason. Buttery buns? I dunno, dawg, but it was good regardless.

As you may know, Hardees has pretty good toppings, as far as fast food joints go. Their lettuce is okay, not Burger King’s rotten shit. Their tomatoes are good, unlike Burger King’s flimsy dicks. Their onions and cheese, both on point. The new component shown here is the bun which is a big upgrade. I loved it. I don’t care what you think. Unless you also like it, that is.

Worst part of the burger is the patty but compared to the rest of the fast food patty population, it’s probably still above average.

2013-12-19_11-37-54_817Not entirely offensive for about $4.50 after tax. Usually I only get these with a coupon, though, due to my Judaism.

Hardee's on Urbanspoon

L.A.Grille

14 Aug

 Rating: 42 Bertangos

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I heard about L.A. Grille a while back and really wanted to give it a go. The problem is that I’m rarely in the area and when I am nearby it’s probably because I’m visiting my brother and if that’s the case why not just steal his food? However, I recently felt compelled to head that way in order to detail my girlfriend’s car so that I no longer had to hear the incessant “Ahmagahd my car’s like so dirty, I just spent, like, money on like tires or whateverrr.” Detailing a car in 9000 degree heat sucks balls in a bad, bad way so I demanded she at least buy us a  couple burritos from L.A. Grille.

Any time I’ve had a burrito at a Mexican joint my reaction is something along the lines of “get outta town.” They’re just kind of boring. Why would I want a boring dumbfucking burrito when I could eat at Flaming Amy’s? Flaming Amy’s is known to cause spontaneous bonerwaves continents away. It is quite often a religious experience. I guess we see where this little review is headed: Flaming Amy’s versus L.A. Grille.

2013-08-09_11-52-50_177There he is, Miss America. This, my friends, is a substantial burrito. I would wager these things are at least as big as a normal Amy’s burrito. They’re probably bigger and they seem more substantial in that the filling is less shitty rice and lettuce and more meat and veg and stuff. Also, the tortilla these things come wrapped in was very thin; I was kind of scared it would bust a hole or fall apart but it never did. In fact I far prefer these tortillas to the thick ones Flaming Amy’s uses to ridiculously over-wrap their burritos 18 times with.

I got to try two of their burrito offerings, their chicken burrito and their carnitas burrito, both clocking in at $5.50. With this comes a very small number of homemade tortilla chips and a tiny little thing of salsa. I was asked if I wanted spicy salsa and I said yes. Holy fuck was this salsa spicy. My asshole was terribly put upon following my rampant, thoughtless ingestion of this stuff. It tasted great though. Extremely fresh. The tortilla chips were okay. They seemed a bit over-cooked and a bit greasy. 2013-08-09_12-03-39_467The burritos  themselves were friggin’ great.

The carnitas meat was so juicy. I thought the chicken would never stand up to the dominant start of the carnitas but it came very close. Probably my favorite chicken burrito ever but I fucking hate chicken. Both burritos were mild in terms of spiciness but they were so full of flavor I think I am in support of the wimpy heat.

Overall, L.A. Grille is a great little hole in the wall place to get some great food at great prices. I think their half-pound burger is also only $5.50. If you are ever nearby I suggest you give them a try. However, a matchup between L.A. Grille and Flaming Amy’s is impossible. They are truly different beasts. But here is a bit of a rundown, it’s the best I can do:

  • Burrito: L.A. Grille – As much as I love Amy’s, I just thought the two burritos I had from L.A. Grille were a bit better. If I could get an L.A. Burrito at Flaming Amy’s next time I went there, no question, I would.
  • Sides: Flaming Amys – L.A. Grille has some spicy salsa but c’mon no one will ever beat Amy’s salsa bar.
  • PriceTied – $5.50 versus $7.00. You want a cheap burrito or you want some wacky salsas? AHH SO MANY DECISIONS.

lagrille

L.A. Grill on Urbanspoon

Harris Teeter Submarine Sangweichez

7 Apr

Listen, y’all, this is about to get real. Harris Teeter is goin’ real crazy. They expandin’, they doin’ real weird stuff. Some of them now got a dang pizza bar … Whaaa? But no for real it’s true. Most Teets have a little sandwich station next to their little sushi station, too.

Let’s not get to the point for a minute and talk about Harris Teeter sushi. I make and eat sushi on the reg and for the life of me I don’t know how they mess theirs up so hard. It tastes like they use friggin bleach instead of rice vinegar to make their sushi rice. Beyond that I guess I don’t have many complaints. Then again, I’m no sushi expert, and let’s be honest with eachother for a second: the bulk of sushi is rice, so it’s kind of important.

Okay, this dumb donkey (me) is talking about sushi when the review is about a sub. Why is that? Django unchained, god bless you for asking: The sushi guy made my sub today. He was forced to because his manager sucks and he tried to be a good employee. After I waited 5 minutes for a regular sub guy, his lazy manager forced him to try to help me. Let’s go back a further iteration because I’m super sure you’re not sick of me yet.

My dad buys Harris Teeter subs all the time; he has for many years. He buys them all over North Carolina, he is a busy bee. They’re tasty, fresh, convenient, cheap, and occasionally worthwhile. The problem, as you might imagine, is the ‘occasionally’ part. Let me digress again and say that I’m a 30-year-old guy who is about to complain about his father’s food-store sandwiches. Sheesh. I’m glad I got that off my chest.

My dad, in his travels, noticed that sometimes he would get next-to-no meat and cheese on his sub. Sometimes it would be okay, but rarely. Usually it would be a mockery of the sandwich-making industry. Being the gentleman and scholar that he is, he did not complain directly but he did inquire to corporate regarding what their standards are, exactly.

You probably know where this is heading. The ‘artist’ making your sub has no friggin clue what. the. heck. they. are. doing. or. why. they. are. doing. it. and. you. better. just. shut. up.

After emailing corporate he was informed that every full sub was supposed to incorporate 6.0 ounces of meat and 2.0 ounces of cheese.

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If you are lucky, the sub pictured above is what you, in fact, get. This was after me getting frustrated and asking the sushi guy for “a lot more than” 3 slices of ham. So I got 8. On a foot-long sub. No, I’m not sure what 8 thinly-sliced bits of ham weigh, but this did not account for 6 ounces. The veggies were indeed piled on, which is great. Wait, did I mention that the sandwich artist initially only places 3 slices of ham on my foot-long sub? And then I demanded “a lot more”?

Yes, he was a sushi dude and could barely speak English, but I’ve gotten so many subs from Harris Teeter, and the above is what they all generally look like. Unless you are my dad and you keep demanding they pile more on until they refuse and then you pull out your 2-year-old printout of an email conversation with corporate and force them to give you the corporate-specified 6 ounces of meat and 2 ounces of cheese.

So, keep going to Harris Teeter for your slow-service subs made by sushi chefs. Or you could go across the street to A Taste of Italy if you’re near midtown and get whatever you want for a dollar or two more:

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Boars Head or better, sliced as thin as you want, weighed consistently and at least twice as many meals-worth as Harris Teeter. The More You Know.

Or Chops if you’re downtown:

chopsIn conclusion, I beg Harris Teeter to start weighing out their sandwiches. Or, as I just imagined, flip the whole thing around and let me make my own sub. Let me weigh it and put the sticker on. Just don’t force me to deal with your uninformed employees, for the love of God. Actually, maybe just instruct them on corporate policy instead of expecting your customers to enforce it and appear as though they are jerks, when they are, in fact, not.

2013-04-07_17-08-47_618Oh, here’s an honest cross-section comparison. Yes, this was made by a sushi chef. However, this is exactly what I have come to expect from your average Harris Teeter ‘sandwich artist’. Disagree with me if you wish, but always demand your six ounces of dirt meat. YOU DEMAND IT! OR I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL END YOU.

Taco Bell Grillers

26 Mar

Rating: 3 Dollars

There are three new ‘Griller’ items from Taco Bell. These are basically just small burritos that they grill. That’s why they’re called ‘grillers,’ methinks. Between the hours of 2 and 5 pm they cost a buck a piece. Outside of these hours I have no idea how much the cost. Probably a million bucks a piece I guess. Lets get on with this shit, okay?

Loaded Potato Griller

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This potato dude weighed in at 188 grams as opposed to Taco Bell’s stated 177 grams. I shoulda returned it for the false advertising alone. I didn’t however because it was pretty delicious, especially for a dollar. 2/5 of a pound of “food” for a dollar? I didn’t even  care what it was gonna taste like. The fact that it tasted pretty good was just a bonus. The potatoes are tasty, the bacon is good, the cheese is fucking whatever and the tortilla is all grilled which is cool. My griller even had some lettuce in it. I think it was just a fuck-up but it made me feel real special-like.

The Loaded Potato Griller was my favorite.

Beefy Nacho Griller

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This beef dude weighed in at 163 grams (just flip your head upside down to view the above picture properly). That’s pretty close to Taco Bell’s stated 156 grams. Good job, you glorious bastards. However, this beef baby was not as good as the potato king. It’s probably just because I hate TB’s ground beef with a passion. Especially when you combine it with their “nacho cheese.” The combination immediately brings to mind horrible memories of the nachos they served in my elementary school cafeteria. I want to vomit right now just thinking about it.

I also don’t care for these “crisp red strips” (their words) that they put in here. Unless the Taco Bell employee makes it and immediately spirals it from the kitchen straight into your mouth, these things are not going to be even vaguely crisp when you eat your food. Maybe if they protected them with a layer of lettuce it would work but this is probably far beyond the culinary prowess of your average Taco Bell employee.

The Beefy Nacho was my least favorite griller.

Spicy Buffalo Chicken Griller

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Chicken little weighed in outside of its 149 gram weight class, coming in at a whopping 165 grams. Fuckin fatso. Good job on Taco Bell for over-portioning, mad props and all that. I liked the chicken griller. I’ve honestly never had Taco Bell’s lava sauce is so I’m not sure if what I was eating was just the lava sauce or a combination of the lava sauce and sour cream. Either way it was pretty good and pretty spicy. The chicken was pretty good too, standard Taco Bell fair of which I’m fairly fond of.

This is probably the most polarizing of the new grillers. It has a much stronger flavor than that shitty beef version. I think the best thing about the buffalo chicken griller is that you don’t need any sauce packets to go with it. In fact, I found the sauces to make this thing taste worse. Except, maybe, the verde sauce. That was kind of an interesting combo. In any case, this one is good if you are driving around and you don’t feel like spraying sauce packets all over your balls (again).

This chicken fucker gets a solid second place finish.

Taco Bell on Urbanspoon

Sriracha Flavored Lay’s Potato Chips

2 Mar

Wazzup, donkeys, Pete here. The unnamed, ambiguously-gendered, possibly-Martian proprietor of this blog promised to review these new Lay’s chips but has completely failed to do so. Therefore the task falls upon me.

Great pic, nimrod!

Great pic, nimrod!

I would like to apologize for what might be a misleading title; these chips actually taste nothing like Sriracha. They taste like spicy vinegar potato chips, which I’m fine with. Actually, these may be my favorite Lay’s potato chips of all time. I’ve heard mention that they’re under-seasoned but I disagree. They have a fairly good spicy bite – which never builds to become overwhelming – and a lot of vinegar.

Maybe Sriracha is just too difficult of an ingredient to incorporate into snack form, or something. I am reminded of Sriracha Popcorn which, while yummy, was mostly just cheesy popcorn. Lay’s is better because it’s spicier and more vinegary and just tastier overall. When I think Sriracha, vinegar is not something the springs to the forefront of my mind. On the other hand, I certainly don’t think of goddamn cheese.

In conclusion, buy this while you can. I haven’t tried the other two limited-time Lay’s chips, but the faux-Sriracha variety is really good.

Oceanic

6 Sep

8 Dolphins

I think I’m the only one that reviews here anymore. It’s cool, I don’t mind. I’m even too lazy to take any pictures but I don’t give half a shit about that either.

I’ve lived in Wilmington for 8000 years but I’ve never been to Oceanic. I used to go to the beach at Crystal Pier all the time so I walked by Oceanic regularly but never ate there. It just seemed like some fancy-fuck of a place that I didn’t really fucking belong at. It was all high and mighty and it was connected to the decrepit pier and man did it grind my gears. I used to look at their fucking patrons and scoff. Ha you fools! Ha! I’m on this beach and you are eating some overpriced doodickery. Yes I just made that word up.

My cousin was in town so I guess this gave my grandma reason to take us out for lunch at this fucking place, whatever it’s called. Oceanic. Well, we had great seats, good Christ were they good seats. I liked these seats. I wanted to take them home with me. Well, not the actual seats, mind you, but the view. The view was quite good. Some might say to die for, but what’s up with those guys anyway?

I’m just gonna get this out of the way cuz it was fucking strange as all fuck: the waitress referred to every female at the table as “my lady,” which wouldn’t be so bad but she never referred to me as “liege” or “lord” or any fucking thing.  It really ticked my mom off but she is a bit fuckso as far as food service goes. For example she seemed a bit peeved when, instead of bringing her extra lemon, the waitress accidentally brought her an extra water with a lemon wedge on it. Mind you, in the meantime, a million people had given my mom lemon wedges for her pseudo-thief-lemonade but I digress.

Ordering-wise I was torn between the childish chicken tenders, the obsequious fish-n-chips and the fuck-you-feed-me bacon cheeseburger. I just got the fucking burger. It’s a half-goddamn pound, it comes with fries, and it’s ten dollars.

I’ve got a front seat on the ocean drinking a Newcastle and the waitress is referring to people in feudal terms. No longer am I fucking around. I’m not on a boat but surely I’m on a sky-castle of whimsy. I don’t even know what that means and I immediately apologize.

Back to the topic at hand, when you’re asked if you want your burger medium-well or well-done you know it’s not going to be a foodie paradise (just give me some shitty raw beef, I can take it). But you probably should have known that earlier given the circumstances, so let’s be content with saying the burger was fucking alright. Forgetting the overcooked patty, everything else was very nice. The bacon in particular. In total, the burger was a totally decent fast-casual chain bacon cheeseburger that you would normally spend nine dollars on in any given place. They charged me ten but I got the best views I’ve ever had at any restaurant by far so that’s just jolly.

If it’s busy and you don’t have the best view in the house then it’s just okay, I guess.

Also I thought the complimentary hushpuppies were really good, though I don’t know half a shit about hushpuppies.

Oceanic Restaurant & Grill on Urbanspoon